This is me...

5^th August 2010 8.30pm

Sometimes, I didn’t realise that it requires so much courage just to open up your laptop and login Facebook….

Yes, I failed my Lit test. It is like “Joy to the world” for some people who hate me so badly. I don’t blame them for that; it’s my fault actually to stir up so much unpleasant events between us. To see Liu Du Kai Ying being beaten flat to the ground is always so fun. To see his smiling face that never died turn to a face of sombreness and pain… I don’t want to mention it anymore.

How do I feel? Sad, of course. I don’t know the reason why I screwed up so bad… maybe it’s my piano exam that made me so stressed up and distracted me? I don’t know. The whole thing happened so quick and bizarre.

I was so sick and woke up in the afternoon. Coincidentally, Xiang Jie called and broke the news to me. I did not react and broke into tears at that moment…
“Do you know how much you got upon 25?”
“Er…what?”
“12, you got 12. The whole class is laughing at you, Dory is making fun of you and he is so happy. He said finally you got to taste your own medicine.”
And I hung up. I went to see the doctor. Nothing much engulfed me- emptiness, most probably. Xiang Jie sounded so ironic when he called, the mockery I did not expect. To fail a test in Hwa Chong? I never expected that to happen. A D7? I just can’t believe what happened to me. I never wanted to return to school anymore, I can’t endure this stuff any longer. My MSG this term? 3 or 4? I did not expect anything like this to happen in my freaking life. I knew that phone call was real, it sounded so real. Not surreal, but really, SO REAL. How I hope that everything like this was a nightmare, and I could wake up the very next second. But…. nope, nothing happened. And yes, I have to accept the fact.
To my own astonishment, I can’t believe that I didn’t cry. I don’t know whether it was my physical condition that stopped my tears from falling. I don’t know anything. I hope that all this was a prank, because I didn’t know anything except from the words from Xiang Jie told me. And after putting together all the puzzle pieces, it made absolute sense. I should have been more prepared since 2 weeks ago, since you told me that I fared really bad for the test. You questioned of my grades, and told me to be mentally prepared. But I, just did not expect the results to turn out to be so bad. In these two weeks, I really thought you made a mistake. A mistake that would do me justice right after my paper was give out after bench-marking and you personally would tell me that you made a mistake. I hoped that your memory made a mistake, or it was your sarcasm that fooled me around. But after the entire roller-coaster ride I had to endure yesterday, I really didn’t know what to say. 12? I never expected that to happen. My lowest expectation was 14. Where did I gain the confidence? I really don’t know. Maybe it was innate in me. Maybe it was because I was still reminiscing in the “glory days” when I got 22/25 for the Lit test in TKAM last term which assured me of my command in English.

A lot of people think that I am someone that doesn’t crumble under pressure. Nope, they’re wrong. I am really fragile. If this happened like 1 week ago, I will definitely burst into tears in front of the whole class. But I think it’s not worth crying after the process of growing up I experienced. There are much more things in life that needs your attention. Like your family. My mum shows so much care in me and tells me it’s not shameful to fail. It’s only sad if you cannot stand up and collect yourself after failure. There is always something to learn behind every event, be it sad or happy. The most important thing in life is to consolidate these events in life and turn it into a fuel of energy that can drive you through all the obstacles, particularly when you are facing setbacks. Being funny for me is such a difficult challenge, I have to put up that nonchalant face that I don’t give a damn of what’s happening when in fact, I can’t be more concerned of the current situation. But after all, this is life. And it is my life. I can’t let it go out of control. So it’s very important when it all comes down to how I see it. Truthfully, I love myself and my life.

I really can’t believe in my English grades for the first two terms in ’10. 72, then comes a 74. Unbelievable. I had never attained such grades for class tests in Secondary One. The closest I ever got was a 69 and it was a B3. Nobody in 1A3 ever thought I had flair in English.

I really thought that you, Ms Loh are someone who recognises me of my thinking when it comes down to injecting your thoughts and freedom into the Literature platform. I really appreciate that so much. Sometimes, I nearly took your kindness for granted and forgot the fact that one must work hard to gain results.
So I thought it all through. Instead of reproaching myself and feeling that injustice has done to me, why not take a more objective perspective and look at the issue from another angle? Maybe this incident has taught me that I am not really as good as I believed and I need to strive harder in comprehending Literature in a deeper level?
So to those people who are so eager to see me in a pathetic state, I want to say that you guys can laugh with all your might, take this as a retaliation of what devious things I have done to you previously that may hurt you in one way or another.

I am not going to step up and clarify this issue and make it rest as bygones. I am going to focus on my main goal this semester- to ace my Grade 8 Piano Examination. I am pinning all my hopes on the last shot for Lit next week- Emily of Emerald Hill. Thank you, Ms Loh. Let the upcoming Lit paper be the best way for me to redeem myself as the most enthusiastic student in 2A3 during LA class by showing not only to you, but to me as well, that Liu Du Kai Ying is someone that does not crumble under pressure and make worth of my name. Thank you.